Why I’m voting Blue Tomorrow: Our Bodies, Our Choice.

I found out I was pregnant on the first day of my doctoral program. I had just returned to New Hampshire from a short getaway to Washington D.C with my family and then boyfriend to celebrate my grandmother’s 90th birthday. It was our first (and last) trip as a couple, and as we wandered the Smithsonian I found myself complaining over and over again about how sore my breasts were. On the flight home and throughout the following days, I was sick to my stomach multiple times. Despite the fact that I had been responsibly taking my birth control, a small seed of doubt had taken root in the pit of my stomach that I could not ignore: What if I’m pregnant?

With the intention of dismissing this concern, I picked up a generic two pack pregnancy test on my drive home from campus. As I waited for the results to appear I willed myself to breathe and stay calm. “There’s just no way.”

But there was. As I watched the second line on the stick come into focus, my breath caught, my eyes closed, and my shoulders slumped in defeat. “Oh, fuck.” I whispered.

I was not (and still am not) in a financial or emotional position to create a stable environment for a child. Growing up in a volatile household left me feeling ill-equipped for motherhood. This doubt was exacerbated by a bout with Lyme disease in my mid-twenties that left me temporarily at the mercy of what was, at times, debilitating anger and depression; difficulties I had watched my parent’s struggle with throughout my own childhood. These factors left me resolved that if I ever had children, it would not be without a strong support system in place.

The morning of my appointment it was an exceptionally cold and dreary day for September. The anxiety in my stomach stopped me from eating any breakfast. A dear friend drove me to the clinic, mostly in silence, hugged me before I climbed out of the car, and gave me a half smile as I loped to the clinic door through the downpour that had intensified throughout the fifteen minute commute.

I will never forget, or lose my gratitude for, the women at the clinic who got me through that day. The volunteer nurse who held my hand as I tried (and failed) not to cry through the painful procedure. The kindhearted woman who joined me in the recovery room, telling me tales of the three children waiting for her at home that she would still be able to support properly because of her abortion that day. And the stranger who brought me a mug of tea as I sat in the lobby, waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up.

It was not an easy decision to make, but it was the right one. The months following my procedure were difficult. Just because I knew I had made the right decision did not erase the grief I felt over the need to make it. The intense scrutiny our society has placed on women who choose abortion left me feeling embarrassed and alone. In this time I would discover just how unsupportive of a partner my boyfriend was, and still it took me months to open up to my closest friends and family about what I had been through.

I have not fooled myself into thinking my story is a unique one; I did not face dire circumstances or health concerns, as so many women do. My insurance and location allowed me access to a safe and affordable procedure, a privilege many women do not have. But I am scared for the future. With the swearing in of Justice Amy Coney Barrett we are facing a serious reversal or curtailing of the right to abortion; through legislation that will disproportionately affect members of marginalized communities, people of color and those living below the poverty line. The congressional members, senators, and other elected officials we decide to place in office tomorrow will determine how much resistance this legislation meets. Your voice and support matter, and so does your vote. So please, before you head to the polls, consider the women in your life that your decision will affect.

--

--

--

29. NH Resident. 2nd year doctoral student studying curriculum theory and development; focused on equitable & environmentally conscious education. She/her/hers.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Weird Things Calm Me Down

So many women are posting stories of #WhyIMarch. I try to read every one. I guess this is mine.

America’s Creepiest Husband.

The shooting never stopped.

MUSLIM ACTIVISTS PITCH IN TO REPAIR VANDALIZED JEWISH CEMETERY

06/05/2020: A prolonged economic nightmare

The ugly engineer

Why the Little Mermaid Backlash is Related to ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Marie Collins

Marie Collins

29. NH Resident. 2nd year doctoral student studying curriculum theory and development; focused on equitable & environmentally conscious education. She/her/hers.

More from Medium

A Mis-chosen Word

ON GOING BEYOND EXCUSES …

How Can We Reconstruct Our Values in a Painless Way After Watching Daniel Sloss’s “Jigsaw”?

Surrender